Four weeks and twelve pages later, I have to just post this. I started writing it about four weeks ago. I wanted it to be brilliant, accessible, uplifting, etc. I have to let it go. I have to come to terms with the fact that there is no easy way to write about the assault on women. There is no easy way to say the things that I have hoped to say. I have tried to be flip, joyful, sarcastic, factual, funny, honest, sincere, delightful, kind, hopeful, truthful and spiritual. All in one piece. The last thing I wanted to be was depressing.
Here’s the truth: as women, we so often try too hard. Raising our voices in a world where we have been told so often, either directly or indirectly, that our voice doesn’t matter makes if difficult to raise our voices. Even in times of necessity. This has been one of those times. I need to publish this. With all its flaws. I have to set this free. I’ve decided, if I sound depressing, it is because it is warranted.
Again, this has been four weeks in culmination. Some of the “current events” that I reference are no longer current. I have tried to clarify and rectify. Bear with me.
—————-
I’ll just say it. Sometimes I have sex for pleasure.
My lesbian partner has been trying to get me pregnant for some time now and, well, to be honest, we are having some fertility issues. We’ve been sexually active and not using birth control for our entire relationship. Everyone knows that birth control is morally abysmal. Family planning is, for sure, a total abomination. All children should be a surprise—a giant, life-changing, expensive, surprising gift from God.
And we’ve adhered to that whole-heartedly.
But sadly, neither of us has gotten God’s gift. Neither of us has gotten pregnant. Obviously, this makes me feel very ashamed, because we all know that the only reason to have sex is to conceive children. And my partner and I have been having a lot of sex. A lot of beautiful, wonderful sex.
One would think that, with two uteruses involved in the process, the possibility of conceiving a child would double. Sadly, I just don’t think that this is the case.
With all the trouble we’ve had conceiving, I’ve resorted to the greatest sin of all. I’ve started taking pleasure in the intimacy I share with my partner. I actually enjoy lying down with her. I actually like when she touches me. Even though I know that each time may not result in a baby, I actually enjoy holding her. It’s terrible. I know.
But at least it’s not as bad as my parents. They admit that they are still having sex and my mother had her uterus removed two years ago. WTF?
——
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m being a bit flip here. But just a bit. Honestly, I feel like this is, perhaps, one of the only ways to meet the argument against women in this county at the current level of conversation.
Feminism was my gateway drug into activism and social justice. I haven’t had to wear my feminist hat in a while. As a farmer, the plants don’t care if I’m female when I water them. They also don’t care that I’m a lesbian. It’s refreshing, really. A lot of my political focus has shifted to farming policy and food security. As such, I just haven’t been as directly active as I once was in the feminist community.
Besides, didn’t we already win all those battles? Aren’t we all thinking that we we’ve come a long way? Aren’t we on top of the world?
Think again.
Sure, I.B.M. has a female CEO. That’s a step in the right direction, isn’t it? But when it comes to equal access in the Augusta National Golf Club, her status as a successful woman is seemingly a moot point. The club, which was founded in 1933 and recently held a national golf tournament, is a men-only membership club. I don’t know if CEO Virginia Rometty even golfs. It doesn’t matter if she does. She wasn’t trying to tee off there. The issue is that the tournament has traditionally been sponsored by I.B.M. and in the past years, the CEO had been given an honorary membership to the club. Well, in all past sponsorship years, the CEO has been male-gendered. As the New York Times puts it, “A club founded on the bedrock of segregation is…not so easily rebuilt.” This example shows that, while women have proven that they can do business with the big boys, they are still denied access to equal opportunities, even where precedent begs it.
Of course, most women aren’t CEOs. Many women are just looking for a nice job. In Arizona, the possibility of finding a nice job is likely to get harder for women. In the last month, the Senate Judiciary committee in Arizona voted in favor of endorsing a piece of legislation that would allow employers to ask their female employees what they are using contraception for. Wouldn’t it be abysmal for women in Arizona if such legislation passes? Well, the female Governor just signed it into law. Based on this new legislation signed by Jan Brewer, an employer could fire the female employee if the employer finds her reason for using birth control to be in moral opposition to the company’s mission and/or contrary to the beliefs of the company’s management. So if a woman is using birth control to, for example, prevent a birth, and her employer finds that unsavory, she could be dismissed. Further, it would allow employers the right to ask women about their sex lives in the interview process. It probably won’t surprise you that, among the nine people on Arizona’s Senate Judiciary Committee, only two are women. What women in Arizona might face as a result of this bill is going to be horrific.
Since I started writing this piece, Governor Jan Brewer signed that bill into law. According to Jan Brewer’s signature, it’s not just the right-wing man furthering the conversation. Unfortunately, a large part of the female population is furthering the war on women’s rights. Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann Romney, a stay-at-home-wife of a multi-millionaire, said in a recent speech, “Why should women be paid equal to men? Men have been in the working world a lot longer and deserve to be paid at a higher rate. I’m a working mom and I’m not paid a dime. I depend on my husband to provide for me and my family, as should most women…If a woman does work, she should be happy just to be out there in the working world and quit complaining that she is not making as much as her male counter parts.” You can’t make this shit up.
In every presidential election year, someone gets thrown under the bus for the sake of politics. Last time, it was the gays. (Though that war is still raging and certainly far from over. I love you North Carolina) This time, the right wing is building on the momentum of the negative associations around traditional gender-role non-conformity, a non-conformity that is at the heart of the gay-rights conversation, and choosing to attack women. Specifically, the right wing is attacking any policy that might further the rights of women to have access to safety, health and equal opportunities in employment and education. And the ripples of these conversations are going to be astounding.
It is not off-topic to look at the debate against Proposition 8 in California and examine it as the foundation for this new argument and use it as a barometer of what’s to come in this new war against women.
I’m a seventh generation Californian and I’m a Lesbian. I was living in Sacramento during the 2008 election campaign.
I’m one of those “lucky” gays. My parents have always showed me their unconditional love and didn’t bat an eye when I came out. My employer at-the-time and fellow employees knew I was gay and there were never any adverse effects in my employment life because of my personal relationships. I do not belong to any religious or civil institutions that kicked me out or ostracized me for my sexual orientation. That fact that I was gay was not exactly at the forefront of my being. Like many gays, I identify with other titles and just happen to also be gay.
Prop 8, its culmination and its fallout has changed that. While my “gayness” wasn’t something that constantly affected my family, my employment or my social life, after Prop 8 passed, I became painfully aware of my lesser place in society. Prop 8 passed and, while it took away the civil right of gays to marry their partners and have equal access to the benefits afforded to married couples, the story neither started nor ended on Election Day.
Months before Prop 8 passed, roadways were dotted with signs solidifying the campaign’s mission to dehumanize the LGBTIQ community in order to take away their rights. It worked and it went far deeper than election politics. For months leading up to Election Day, the queer community and their supporters were harassed and attacked in the name of politics. While hate speech was dismissed as part of the political process, people like me were chased, spat upon, assaulted and threatened. My friend, Alex, had a gun pulled on her during a heated election rally and, when she complained to the police at the event, she was told that it was about the election and there was nothing that could be done. Obviously this reaction by the police was negligent, illegal and a result of corruption in law-enforcement but it happened.
When Proposition 8 passed, it became a validating benchmark indication for people with discriminatory policies and hateful attitudes to outwardly expose those policies and attitudes. When the political process openly supports discrimination, the people follow.
Since Prop 8 passed, we have had a nation-wide exponential increase in teen youth suicides due to bullying and anti-gay related hate speech. Right after its passage, my friends and I faced numerous incidents of outward discrimination, hate-speech and even threats of violence, when before there were few. According to the San Jose Mercury News, in Santa Clara County, California, there was a 15% increase in violent crimes against gays after Prop 8’s passing. The Deputy District Attorney there, Jay Boyarsky, attributes the increase in violence directly to Prop 8 stating, “My belief from having done this type of work for many years is that surges in types of hate incidents are linked to the headlines and controversies of the day. Marriage Equality and Prop 8 have been in the news and we have seen an increase in gay bashing.” Campaigns based on subjugation have far-reaching consequences.
I worry that women will face the terrible gauntlet that gays in this country have been going through. I fear greatly that the current conversation in the political sphere surrounding women’s rights will have similar consequences.
Women can’t afford such consequences.
I’m happy for people like Ann Romney, people who feel comfortable and taken care of in their relationships. I wish this were true for more women. As someone who is also at-home, I am constantly thankful for my partner and the way that she supports our family. The comment by Ann Romney would be all fine and dandy if it weren’t for a few…well…facts.
————
While our foremothers have given us an incredible foundation to work with, women are still facing significant obstacles and atrocities in America. According to the Department of Labor, a conservative government agency, working women in America only make 78 cents on the dollar compared to working men for doing the same job. The disparity deepens for women of color. Let’s remember that women had to fight to enter the workforce and that the majority of women, even when making as much money or more than their partners, still find themselves responsible for a majority of the household chores after a long day’s work. According to the Institute for Women’s Policy Research, if equal pay were instituted immediately, a typical woman could expect to gain a total of $210,000 in additional income in her working life. According to the 2010 census, over 42% of single mothers live in poverty. According to the Center for Disease Control, the governmental agency responsible for keeping track of child birth in the United States, over half of all pregnancies in this county are unintended. According to the FBI, 1 in 3 women will be assaulted in her life time and 1 in 4 women will be raped in her life time.
This last statistic has always been the one that haunts me. It hasn’t changed for years. And truthfully, it’s probably worse than that. But what upsets more than the stand-alone statistic is the lack of accountability. We have the numbers for the victims but what of the perpetrators? Let us all consider the question: If 1 in 4 women will be raped in her lifetime, how many men are rapists? There are statistics on the number of convictions but we know that convicted rapists don’t account for the actual number of rapists in this country. It’s true that most rapists are repeat offenders. Let’s say each rapist rapes two women. Then, perhaps, 1 in 8 men are rapists. Even if 1 in 100 men are rapists, the odds for women aren’t great.
But let me give a few more statistics since were rattling off numbers. There are roughly 170 million registered voters in America. There are about 55 million registered republican voters in America. According to a 2006 CNN exit poll, 43% of women voted for the GOP and 57% of men did. That means 18%, or about 1 in 5 registered voters are male right-wingers. And that doesn’t include any independent voters in the Tea Party. Perhaps the statistic is coincidentally close. Perhaps it isn’t.
While the rape statistics may not necessarily coincide with right-wing voter statistics, the anti-woman agenda on the part of the right-wing absolutely sets a percent for the subjugation of women. According to the right wing, women should not be successful, they should not have equal opportunities and they absolutely should not be using birth control nor having sex that feels good.
If women shouldn’t be allowed to have sex for pleasure, let’s ask ourselves what the alternative is. Let’s sit for a moment and think about it. What is the opposite of pleasure? Do we really want that for our wives, our mothers out sisters, our daughters? Really?
When Sandra Fluke, graduate student at George Town University, testified in front of Congress about the need for access to health-uses for birth control, she was strung up by right-wing, radio-talk-show-host Rush Limbaugh as a slut. She, her boyfriend and her and his family have since been stalked and chastised by the right-wing media. It has been relentless and the war against her is unacceptable.
The war against women is unacceptable.
————-
In 2003, I was the president of the chapter of the National Organization for Women at UC Davis. During my tenure, several women had reported being raped. But there was one young woman who reported, very publically, that she had been raped on the UC Davis Campus. She reported that she was on our campus, and had been grabbed by an unknown man and forced to have sex against her will. She reported that that she had cried and screamed and that no one had helped her.
It jarred our campus in a way that I can’t describe. We organized a rally. We vowed to sleep overnight at the place where the victim had been raped, in order to reclaim the space as safe. 300 people showed up with sleeping bags. It was January.
As I was giving a speech about women’s rights that night, a reporter whispered in my ear, “The young woman just recanted her story. She wasn’t raped. What do you have to say?” I was shocked. I was appalled at the lie. And then I told the audience exactly what the reporter had told me. I looked into a crowd of glazed eyes, a crowd of tears, and I remembered why I was there.
I have been raped. I was 20 years old. It was three years prior to this rally that I have described. It was Valentine’s Day. I didn’t want to. He did. I said no. He persisted. He was my boyfriend. And he forced himself upon me.
I thought about that moment. I thought of the many, many women who have gone through the same thing. And I looked into the crowd. I saw their tears. I saw their hopelessness. And in that moment, I understood.
I leaned to the reporter and I said to her, “You know what I have to say?”
I stepped to the mic, and without a shake in my voice, I said, “Stand up if you, or someone you love, has been raped.”
Every single person there stood up.
And then I said, “Sit down, if it wasn’t you.”
Only about three people sat down.
I turned to the reporter. “That’s all I have to say.”
I cannot describe that moment in words. I cannot describe what happened next. Strangers held each other and cried. We all cried. While reporters filmed us, unsure of what to do, we cried. And we slept there, that night, in complete silence, knowing that we would never be the same.
———-
For women, similarly for gays, the debate about equal rights and equal access is not about sex or sexual conduct. It’s about equal rights. It is about access to our lives, to our bodies, to our love, to our livelihoods, to our freedom. It is about sanctity, providence, self-hood and equality.
One in four women will be raped in her lifetime. For men that care, if you have a daughter, a mother, a wife and a sister, chances are, one of them will be raped. One of them probably already has been raped. Most of us don’t like to talk about it.
It is hard enough to establish ourselves in schools, in the workplace, in society. When budget cuts happen, we feel it first. When new policies go into effect, we are likely to feel the ramifications first. When schools cut programs, usually the first programs cut are things that a majority of women have a stake in. We have enough to face in society. Even without being raped.
———–
For the right-wing, sex, and the issues surrounding it, are the hot-button topic; this issue prevails in the media. The right-wing constantly reverts the argument about equal-rights, for both women and gays, back to sex, sexual issues and sexual conduct.
It’s no wonder that sexual violence results.
For women and for gays, the issue is not about sex. It’s about equal rights and equal access.
But fuck it. Let’s go there. I’m not a victim. I’m a survivor. And because it has taken quite a journey, I can be proud of that fact.
Since sex is what the conversation really seems to be about, let’s make this about sex. As the 1991 hit single released by Salt N Pepa proclaims, “Let’s Talk About Sex.” Because maybe society needs a few clarifiers.
I started this blog with very flip commentary. I can’t speak for an entire nation about sex so I’ll just speak for me.
I have sex. I do so in the privacy of my home. Just like most people. My intimacy with my partner is secret and contained. But forget our usual practice. Let’s put it out here right now. My partner and I love each other and what we do behind closed doors shouldn’t have to be subject to public assault.
But I’ll open up. It took me a long time to get here. Like many victim of assault, it has taken me a long time to develop a healthy relationship with my sexuality.
I want to help the election. I believe in public discourse. So let’s go.
I enjoy sex. I will let it be known. I like it. I usually consent to it. And when I don’t, my partner respects it. Because, sometimes, I’m not in the mood. And then we don’t have sex.
But when I’m in the mood, and when she’s in the mood, we have incredible sex. Sometimes she is on top. Sometimes I am on top. Sometimes we even have sex on top of the covers. It’s because we love each other and because with feel healthy and safe together. We indulge in complete love when we have sex.
There! Do you feel better about the upcoming election? Do you feel educated on the issues? Do you feel like my gay woman sex has helped you pick the better presidential candidate? Were you able to understand foreign policy? Economic policy? Do you think that knowing about or judging my sex life will help create jobs?
No?
What? Detail about Lesbian sex didn’t make you a better voter?
Well then why is anyone engaging in this topic?
I am really sick of my private life being up for public judgment, political debate and public commentary. According to the latest statistics on voter registration, men make up 47% of registered voters while women account for 53%. We are a majority. We have power.
———
Yet, in the time since I’ve started writing this blog, in just four weeks, I have had two friends call me and ask me for help. Since I started writing this, a friend of mine was brutally raped by her manager at work and another friend of mine had to leave her apartment because she was assaulted by her roommate.
There is no way to make this nice or uplifting. I have tried with the whole of my heart. Facts are facts. According to the Family Refuge Center, every 18 seconds, another woman in this country is beaten. Every six minutes, another woman is raped.
It has taken me nearly a decade to call myself a survivor. But in truth, while my sisters are still victimized, none of us are survivors. We are all victims.
And as the Republican war on women wages, more and more of us will face victimization. As policies continue to go into effect that subjugate women, we will all continue to be victims.
———
Each and every one of us, and the people who care about us, need to have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to women’s subjugation. What we do in our bedrooms is our business. What we do in the voting booth matters to all of us. Maybe people like Ann Romney, Sarah Palin and Phyllis Schafley seem to outwardly support the right-wing agenda in public. But what if they too vote for women’s rights behind closed door because they know that it’s the moral thing to do?
We cannot go back. Because, let’s face it, we have not gotten that far.
We are still being assaulted. We are still being beaten. We are still being raped. And more and more, services that help women are being cut. Access to basic women’s health needs, like mammograms and birth control, are subject to congressional hearings.
When policy hijacks the ownership of women’s bodies, women suffer.
I am done. I’m sick of the late-night calls. I am sick and tired of hearing about another friend who has been raped. Not because I can’t handle it but because it shouldn’t happen.
We should all be done. We are 53% of the voting block. It’s time we make our majority heard. Loud and clear.
Not another woman. Not another moment. Period.
Like this:
One blogger likes this post.